Giant gate to be installed north of Kapa'a

North Shore residents say, 'to keep coast pristine, keep working class out'
The Kaua'i Onion

KALIHIWAI — Citing security and property values as concerns, North Shore residents have asked the County to use money allocated for an Eastside Bike Path to instead be used for a giant gate north of Anahola.

The request was submitted with the signatures of 6,000 residents who protested the Bike Path, one of whom called the plan a "working-class attempt at desecrating sacred land imbued with beauty that should be reserved for hotel and condo use."

The signatures were collected in record-time, in less than 48 hours following a heated town-hall style meeting earlier this week.

"We got the support in print because, quite frankly, we have the time," Fran Cornfield, a retiree from San Francisco, Calif., said.

"If I had a nickel for every time I've been offended by the sense of entitlement people have here about what to do with this slice of paradise, I'd be even richer than I am already."

The petition asks that a gate be installed from Anahola to Ha'ena, suggesting a "toll-booth for tourists" so it can help pay for itself long-term.

"If the County wants to further ruin its urban areas, let it. But we're saving the North Shore for those of us who moved here to escape that ugly sense of reality."

The fortress-like gate could require pylons, but North Shore residents state they would commission North Shore resident Joseph Brescia, a North Shore expert in 'iwi/building, to help with the legality issue.

"We have shitloads of attorneys, contractors and money up here, North of Ben Stiller's house," said Thomas Brentwood, of Princeville. "Bring it on."

The petition followed a contentious meeting earlier this week in which County Attorneys serving the interests of Hawaiian culture but not in sync with the squeaky wheels in attendance, pulled out umbrellas to stave off organic tomatoes hurled at them in tandem with being called "sellouts."

One elderly woman, Kupuna Kai, stated she liked the bike path, but was told to go fuck herself.

"I've never, in all my life, heard that word used at me," she said, noting, "but I must admit. Now that I've heard it, I completely have changed my mind. That argument makes sense."

Beatrice Canine, formerly of Texas, said, "Having moved here two years ago, I was royally pissed off when I found out Eastsiders wanted to have a bike path coming up to the North Shore.," Canine said. "I mean, the reason I moved here was to get away from all that urban bullshit. I don't want to deal with traffic, and I certainly don't want to desecrate any Hawaiian gravesites. I mean, let a developer at least come in and build on the coast, so it can be of use to my family when they visit me from the Mainland."

North Shore residents, 'Other Hawaiian Words' farm oppose Bike Path

North Shore rallies, donates organic tomatoes to toss at Bike Path advocates at town-hall style meeting

The Kaua'i Onion

LIHU'E — In an effort to promote sustainable agriculture, Kaua'i Aina Kai Pono Honua and Other Hawaiian Words Farms of Kilauea provided organic GMO-free tomatoes to throw at supporters of the Bike Path at a Monday night meeting promoting opposition to the Bike Path.

Showing dissent for a third portion of the Bike Path that would cause 'iwi upheaval rivaling what's been done all along the North Shore and South Shore already by outsiders, and cited as offensive by many who've recently moved to both areas from other areas, throngs of environmentalists turned out to rally, hug, shout hippie-esque ideologies and protect Native Hawaiians from themselves at a Monday night town-hall style meeting.

"How could you rape the earth like this?" one resident asked, noting any place that can produce delicious and anti-oxidant rich fruits perfect for vigorously hurling at proponents of the Bike Path deserved better -- newer -- representation.

County Attorneys bedecked themselves in garbage bags to protect themselves from the tart projectiles, supplied by pissed off granola eaters north of Anahola.

The first tomato was thrown shortly after County officials foolishly embarked in an educational segment, forgetting nitpickers don't want to learn, but vent, ignore and lord opinion over others.

Protecting maidens in distress in the audience, who were disturbed by a fecophilliac consuming his own feces and yelling obscenities, two members of the planning department confronted the unruly member of the crowd. "Stop, that's gross." one of the planning department reps said. The man continued, saying, "This is delicious, and reasonable."

Later, in an interview following the meeting, the waste-eating man, who preferred to remain anonymous, said, "I would have thrown the feces to show my point but fortunately I had the organic tomatoes, however less delicious and less harmonically-balanced, but still fun to throw all the same. Can I offer you some delicious feces?"

James 'Treebark' Austin, a farm worker who allows workers to trade labor on a ten-acre Kilauea estate in exchange for board in a 10,000-square foot farm house, (not including spa) said, "We are very concerned about sustainable agriculture, food security and pelting the mana-- and yes, I speak Hawaiian -- out of those lying frauds with the bounty of the good Kaua'i Earth we are fortunate enough to farm," noting, "I wouldn't touch locals with a 10-foot pole. But I would waste an organic tomato on them."

When asked what North Shore residents would do with the unused tomatoes, one said, "We will be saving them for use at the landfill meeting later this month. After all, it's our responsibility not to waste. Long live sustainability!"